Life's Lessons

It's been awhile.  40 has been quite a lesson.  Shortly after I wrote my last entry, a few things happened.  I lost a friendship I valued the last few years, my family experienced one of the most challenging obstacles, my home suffered not one but two major leaks which made us live in a hotel for five months, walked away from my job, learned a good friend had liver cancer shortly before his daughter was born, then lost him to cancer a month after his daughter was born, mom spent time in ICU and learned the job hunting is not for the weak spirited.  Phew...that was a lot.

Lost friendships are hard but a part of life.  This was a person I interacted with for nearly three years, poured my heart out to.  But life took us in different directions and I had to mourn that relationship.  While I miss the interaction, I wish this person nothing but the best in life. 

I am still trying to figure out how to have a relationship with my youngest sisters.  She turned four and all she knows about me is what her mom tells her and to be frank, I am not sure that is the best source of information.  But blame it on her being in another country and out of my parent's marriage, then you understand what the complications are.  One day I will have a relationship with her, just not right now.  I just pray that in the years that follow, she know that I love her, she didn't ask for her position in our family as much as I wished for the position in my family.

The house is finally back together.  It took so long but it was well worth it.  I now just have to figure out how to pay the lovely deductible.  Walking away from my job did many things, crippling us financially was one of those things.  But what I have learned is that everything always works out in the end.  I am sure that will be case with this.

I walked away from a job I loved because I worked for a person who couldn't appreciate all I had to offer the company.  It was a hard decision to make, but the best one for me.  At some point in life one has to learn to value their worth.  It was my turn to stand up and say I deserved more.  She's young, has a lot to learn about life and being a manager and I wish her nothing but the best.

A friend I met playing a phone app became like family to me.  We chatted a lot about life, family, his growing family, he was expecting his first child and often asked questions.  He was opening up his third new restaurant.  Everything was going good.  Then he got sick and for a month he asked me how to help him treat the symptoms and I kept arguing with him to see a doctor.  He finally did after a month and only because he was starting to have bloody stools.  A month or so in and out of the hospital, getting diagnosed with liver cancer (he found out a month before his daughter was born) and then a message that he had his baby. He shared pictures with us for a few days and then we didn't hear from him.  Got a message a few weeks later that he had passed, a month after his daughter was born.  His death affected me so greatly because I realized just how fragile life is.  I mourned the fact that my friend had been robbed of the opportunity of watching his daughter grow up and his daughter was robbed of the opportunity to know how much her father loved her.  Life can be so cruel sometimes.

My mom nearly died from complications with bleeding ulcers.  This is not the first time, it is her second time having something like this happen.  I pray that with my dad home again, she makes lifestyle changes that will enable her to live a life without unnecessary complications.  It is hard to watch her struggle to move around and is reminding me just how grateful I am to have the time I have with her.  This part of getting old sucks.

Last but not least,  I am still looking for a job.  I have gone on several interviews and second interviews and there is always someone who edges me out with their work history and my lack of.  I know I will find the perfect job someday, I just have to keep my head up.  I have a second interview at a Law Firm on Monday and I am actually excited about this position so am praying it all works out...and this job ends up to be where I am meant to be.

Hopefully it doesn't take me another 6 months or so to update.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who still read this.  I am thankful for all of you.

This is 40

It's been awhile since I have been here.  Being employed has a way of sucking out the life in you.

A few weeks ago I turned 40 and then 6 days later my world came crumbling around me.  I can't sit here and say that it wasn't something I didn't expect but sometimes even knowing what the possible outcome is doesn't prepare you for the impact.

As a child you always fantasize about your parent's love story, they make you believe in the happily ever after, at least that is the way it was for me.  As I grew older I started to see the imperfections in their relationship but I still held on to the fact that after all the years apart and after all the trials they had faced, they were still together.  But I knew of the cracks in their relationship, the signs started to become overwhelming apparent that the fantasy of their love story was just that, a fantasy...

Six days after my 40th, I learned of my father's deceit.  I learned of my father's other life.  I learned that I had a three year old daughter.  My sister searched facebook to put a face with this other family he had, like a sick obsession we read every painful post of this relationship.  With each post a little bit of my heart broke until it could break no more.  My father had shattered my image of their marriage, of their love, of his love and of our trust.

For over three years my father lied to us and all his lies unfolded with each scroll down the other woman's page.  Pictures of my new sister were like a punch in the gut.  Without even having to get to the post about the DNA proving she was his, I could see that without a doubt that the little girl was my sister.  My heart sunk to the deepest pits of my stomach and suddenly overwhelmed with my emotions. NUMB. Frozen in my seat, with tears streaming down my cheeks, I continued to read more about this life that I had no idea about.

I don't know what the future holds for my family but I know that 40 has set some challenges before me but this time, I am ready to face it.  My 30s taught me that even in my darkest moments, I found light and this time, I am going to make my own light.  I will not let this break me.  I will not let this dictate how this decade will go.

This is 40 and I am ready to conquer whatever challenges before me...

An ugly time for us all

I'm sitting here amazed by what just took place in our country.  I cannot believe our soon to be President will be Donald Trump.

Disappointed.  That about sums up my feelings about the whole process and the aftermath of this election.  There is so much ugliness out there, both sides.

I was neither him nor her.  Now friends and family ASSUMED they knew which way I would vote but they can assume all they want.  I never tried to stuff my political beliefs or sway anyone to vote for either him nor her because in my eyes both were unqualified for different reasons.  I even told my children to read up on the candidates, look at their political history (or lack thereof) and make their own decisions.

As a woman, I couldn't justify voting for Trump.  He is vile and he is very narrow minded.  I am afraid of him being our next commander in chief.  But I also couldn't vote for Hillary just based on the fact that she was a woman.  Her faults were not just emails, those emails could have endangered so many lives and a woman of her education and background should have known that, she was our first lady, she knew the protocol.  She also wasn't always a supporter of the LGBT community.

The bottom line is, we as a country failed way before these elections.  People ask, how did we get here?  We got here by not taking our responsibilities seriously.  Have conversations, discuss issues at hand, support people who want to make the right kind of change for our country.  Don't support someone merely based on your dislike for someone, find someone aligned with your views and support them.

I was not with her.  But I was not with him.  I told my children to watch this election and observe how assumptions would play out.

This is all I will say about this election.  My heart hurts because of the ugliness out there.  People say how ugly he is by spewing out words of hate and anger.  Does it make it better?  You want change, change starts with you, share your positivity, make it so people cannot deny it and want to bask in it.  This country needs healing and that starts with all of us.

Because sometimes life gets busy

Part of being a mom is having to be strong when you want to break down.  The last three weeks I had a few scares with my husband and son.  It started with my husband complaining of extreme leg pain.  My husband very rarely complains, so when he does, I know it is something that is truly bothering him.  He had varicose vein procedure a year or so ago, so I thought maybe it was bothering him again.  When I saw his leg, I saw how swollen it was and the discoloring.  So I urged him to see a doctor the following day.  He told me he was fine, asked me to apply my essential oils and he would be okay the following day.  In the morning he was still in significant discomfort, so I begged him to get it checked because it could very well be a blood clot in his leg.  I am so glad I nagged him all morning because he went to get checked.  I won't forget reading the text that he had multiple blood clots in his legs.  For the first time in a long time, I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety because he was my rock...the thought of something happening to him scared me.

Soon after finding out about this, my son tells me he found blood in his stool.  This is coming after a bout with two weeks of fatigue, so my fear is that he has bleeding ulcers again.  He had lost so much blood it made him anemic last time.  My husband also suffered from ulcers that caused him to lose so much blood he was in the ICU twice and nearly died both times.

Long story short, husband got put on blood thinners (which is not good for his ulcer history but a necessary evil), son spent 3 days in hospital and had extensive test done on him.

It has been a crazy month, I'm ready for November...not really because that is crazy birthday month...but at least it is fun stuff to look forward to.

The Detrimental Effects of Judgement

So recently my son had a health scare.  He's nearly nineteen and was born with a very severe and complex heart defect. In communicating with several friends, family and his professors I was met with some judgements.  Even though there was no malice in the judgments, it brought me to thinking about how we are people are easily distracted by our want to project our views on people's lives.  I don't think we always recognize it.

I can't begin to even pretend to know what it is like to walk in my son's shoes.  I get frustrated with his many times, but honestly, I can't say I would be a stronger individual than what he is.  Sure, people like to project how they might handle it but it's his journey and I want to respect that.  I don't want him to feel as if he has to conform to how I want him to live his life.  I do want him to know that I am here for him, to hold his hand, to metaphorically carry him when he needs me to, but most of all to serve as more of a light to lead his journey.

He's told me that people are watching him closely to see what he does from this day forward and he feels a bit overwhelmed.  I told him that he focus on his needs and doing what it best from him.  People will judge whether we like it or not, but we must find our truth and live our truth.  I pray that this health scare refocuses him and he starts listening to what his body and soul both need.

Be kind to all you meet for you never know the challenges they may face.

Finding Purpose

Initially I only shared this site with a handful of women I not only trusted but knew I could share this with without worry of judgement but also because some of them didn't know what I was dealing with.
I have had quite a crazy journey health wise and I didn't address what I needed.  There was always an excuse to not listen to what I needed.  It was easier to put others before myself than it was to deal with what I needed to.  I battled pseudtumor cerebri twice.  I had my cancer scares.  I came close to losing my vision.  I lived a year pretty much as a recluse, lost in my depression and falling victim to horrible headaches.  Several years medicated and putting a bandaid on what was truly ailing me.

Writing here has opened up my heart in ways I didn't think was possible.  It has given me the courage to talk about the things I used to be so scared and so worried to talk about.  There is a freedom that has come with opening up.  But I want so much more than a one sided conversation.  I hope eventually you guys will post comments of your thoughts, share your issues and concerns.  I find so much renewal in my purpose when I am able to communicate with others.

My journey has not been perfect, it has been filled with some dark paths and crooked roads but it has also seen it's fair share of sunshine.  If there is anything I hope anyone takes from reading my work, it is that no matter what path your life might take, there are always going to be guides along the way, rest stations, and comfort stops.  Find those moments to get you through.

Communication is a wonderful gift my friends, let's use it.

Audrie & Daisy

If you haven't already watched "Audrie & Daisy," I highly recommend you do.  If you have teenage daughters, I think you should watch it with them.  I sat my two teenage daughters down and watched it with them and their father.  I even had my sons watch it with us.  It dealt with some issues that I thought was important for us to discuss as a family.  Now my children know that there is no topic that we cannot or will not discuss, no matter how uncomfortable or taboo it may be.  My kids were in elementary school when we tackled the subject of "No on H8te."

These were the things we touched upon:

1) While we don't condone underage drinking, we know it happens.  We wanted it clear that if they ever felt that they were too intoxicated, they needed to contact me, their father, their older brother, or another adult they trusted.  No judgement because we want safety first.

2) Alcohol/meds/drugs can strongly affect one's ability to make decisions.  Be very aware of that fact.

3) When going to parties, make sure one friend is always designated to be the responsible one.

4) If anything bad happens, don't hide it from us.  If they are being cyberbullied, assaulted, or raped, trust in us to know we will be there for them.

Having this discussion was important for me because I wanted to make sure my kids knew that no matter what, I was going to be there for them and they never had to feel like they had to carry whatever burden alone.  I watched the movie and was hit hard with the stories of young girls feeling alone, judged, anger, anxiety, fear, etc...because they were all emotions I carried with me for so long.

If by having this discussion, I gave my girls a better chance at not having to be a victim, I'm glad.  I don't want to continue a cycle of silence. This is my way of trying to end that.