An ugly time for us all

I'm sitting here amazed by what just took place in our country.  I cannot believe our soon to be President will be Donald Trump.

Disappointed.  That about sums up my feelings about the whole process and the aftermath of this election.  There is so much ugliness out there, both sides.

I was neither him nor her.  Now friends and family ASSUMED they knew which way I would vote but they can assume all they want.  I never tried to stuff my political beliefs or sway anyone to vote for either him nor her because in my eyes both were unqualified for different reasons.  I even told my children to read up on the candidates, look at their political history (or lack thereof) and make their own decisions.

As a woman, I couldn't justify voting for Trump.  He is vile and he is very narrow minded.  I am afraid of him being our next commander in chief.  But I also couldn't vote for Hillary just based on the fact that she was a woman.  Her faults were not just emails, those emails could have endangered so many lives and a woman of her education and background should have known that, she was our first lady, she knew the protocol.  She also wasn't always a supporter of the LGBT community.

The bottom line is, we as a country failed way before these elections.  People ask, how did we get here?  We got here by not taking our responsibilities seriously.  Have conversations, discuss issues at hand, support people who want to make the right kind of change for our country.  Don't support someone merely based on your dislike for someone, find someone aligned with your views and support them.

I was not with her.  But I was not with him.  I told my children to watch this election and observe how assumptions would play out.

This is all I will say about this election.  My heart hurts because of the ugliness out there.  People say how ugly he is by spewing out words of hate and anger.  Does it make it better?  You want change, change starts with you, share your positivity, make it so people cannot deny it and want to bask in it.  This country needs healing and that starts with all of us.

Because sometimes life gets busy

Part of being a mom is having to be strong when you want to break down.  The last three weeks I had a few scares with my husband and son.  It started with my husband complaining of extreme leg pain.  My husband very rarely complains, so when he does, I know it is something that is truly bothering him.  He had varicose vein procedure a year or so ago, so I thought maybe it was bothering him again.  When I saw his leg, I saw how swollen it was and the discoloring.  So I urged him to see a doctor the following day.  He told me he was fine, asked me to apply my essential oils and he would be okay the following day.  In the morning he was still in significant discomfort, so I begged him to get it checked because it could very well be a blood clot in his leg.  I am so glad I nagged him all morning because he went to get checked.  I won't forget reading the text that he had multiple blood clots in his legs.  For the first time in a long time, I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety because he was my rock...the thought of something happening to him scared me.

Soon after finding out about this, my son tells me he found blood in his stool.  This is coming after a bout with two weeks of fatigue, so my fear is that he has bleeding ulcers again.  He had lost so much blood it made him anemic last time.  My husband also suffered from ulcers that caused him to lose so much blood he was in the ICU twice and nearly died both times.

Long story short, husband got put on blood thinners (which is not good for his ulcer history but a necessary evil), son spent 3 days in hospital and had extensive test done on him.

It has been a crazy month, I'm ready for November...not really because that is crazy birthday month...but at least it is fun stuff to look forward to.

The Detrimental Effects of Judgement

So recently my son had a health scare.  He's nearly nineteen and was born with a very severe and complex heart defect. In communicating with several friends, family and his professors I was met with some judgements.  Even though there was no malice in the judgments, it brought me to thinking about how we are people are easily distracted by our want to project our views on people's lives.  I don't think we always recognize it.

I can't begin to even pretend to know what it is like to walk in my son's shoes.  I get frustrated with his many times, but honestly, I can't say I would be a stronger individual than what he is.  Sure, people like to project how they might handle it but it's his journey and I want to respect that.  I don't want him to feel as if he has to conform to how I want him to live his life.  I do want him to know that I am here for him, to hold his hand, to metaphorically carry him when he needs me to, but most of all to serve as more of a light to lead his journey.

He's told me that people are watching him closely to see what he does from this day forward and he feels a bit overwhelmed.  I told him that he focus on his needs and doing what it best from him.  People will judge whether we like it or not, but we must find our truth and live our truth.  I pray that this health scare refocuses him and he starts listening to what his body and soul both need.

Be kind to all you meet for you never know the challenges they may face.

Finding Purpose

Initially I only shared this site with a handful of women I not only trusted but knew I could share this with without worry of judgement but also because some of them didn't know what I was dealing with.
I have had quite a crazy journey health wise and I didn't address what I needed.  There was always an excuse to not listen to what I needed.  It was easier to put others before myself than it was to deal with what I needed to.  I battled pseudtumor cerebri twice.  I had my cancer scares.  I came close to losing my vision.  I lived a year pretty much as a recluse, lost in my depression and falling victim to horrible headaches.  Several years medicated and putting a bandaid on what was truly ailing me.

Writing here has opened up my heart in ways I didn't think was possible.  It has given me the courage to talk about the things I used to be so scared and so worried to talk about.  There is a freedom that has come with opening up.  But I want so much more than a one sided conversation.  I hope eventually you guys will post comments of your thoughts, share your issues and concerns.  I find so much renewal in my purpose when I am able to communicate with others.

My journey has not been perfect, it has been filled with some dark paths and crooked roads but it has also seen it's fair share of sunshine.  If there is anything I hope anyone takes from reading my work, it is that no matter what path your life might take, there are always going to be guides along the way, rest stations, and comfort stops.  Find those moments to get you through.

Communication is a wonderful gift my friends, let's use it.

Audrie & Daisy

If you haven't already watched "Audrie & Daisy," I highly recommend you do.  If you have teenage daughters, I think you should watch it with them.  I sat my two teenage daughters down and watched it with them and their father.  I even had my sons watch it with us.  It dealt with some issues that I thought was important for us to discuss as a family.  Now my children know that there is no topic that we cannot or will not discuss, no matter how uncomfortable or taboo it may be.  My kids were in elementary school when we tackled the subject of "No on H8te."

These were the things we touched upon:

1) While we don't condone underage drinking, we know it happens.  We wanted it clear that if they ever felt that they were too intoxicated, they needed to contact me, their father, their older brother, or another adult they trusted.  No judgement because we want safety first.

2) Alcohol/meds/drugs can strongly affect one's ability to make decisions.  Be very aware of that fact.

3) When going to parties, make sure one friend is always designated to be the responsible one.

4) If anything bad happens, don't hide it from us.  If they are being cyberbullied, assaulted, or raped, trust in us to know we will be there for them.

Having this discussion was important for me because I wanted to make sure my kids knew that no matter what, I was going to be there for them and they never had to feel like they had to carry whatever burden alone.  I watched the movie and was hit hard with the stories of young girls feeling alone, judged, anger, anxiety, fear, etc...because they were all emotions I carried with me for so long.

If by having this discussion, I gave my girls a better chance at not having to be a victim, I'm glad.  I don't want to continue a cycle of silence. This is my way of trying to end that.

Finding hope in the darkness

Never did I think I would have children, when I was a teen.  I knew that I loved children, I babysat, I tutored, and I even helped raised my godson, but I didn't know if I would have any of my own for fear that I wouldn't be able to be the mother they needed.

All that changed when I met my partner for life. He was one of the first people I shared my abuse with.  He was the one who listened, showed no judgement, encouraged me, held my hand, let me cry, and promised me that it would all be okay.  I felt safe with him then and even more now.  He is my rock, my beacon of hope, the person who keeps me grounded.

Finding him saved me, literally and figuratively.  He came into my life when things were bleak, when suicide attempts were my poor attempt to drown out the misery that was in my heart.  Him and our best friend at the time, went with my mom to the ER so that they could flush the medication out of my system.  By the way, that coal concoction they give you, sucks.  He has seen me at my lowest but not once did he ever think to leave me, he stayed always and held me.

That love and friendship has sustained me.  It has brought me four beautiful children who I love more than anything in the world.  They are my greatest blessings and my most valued treasures.  I would move heaven and earth to protect them, to make sure they never see the darkness I have seen.

When I was pregnant with my first, I was so nervous and excited.  I was 20 at the time.  I thought I had my whole life figured out.  I was going to have the baby, then go back and finish school.  Early in my pregnancy I got really sick.  I was at home and my husband was in training at the time.  I knew my grandfather was at home, so I was good about locking my door.  But I was extremely sick and it was really late at night.  I don't know where my family was at the time, to be honest, they could have been home, but I can't recall.  That night in my fatigue he violated me.  In that single moment, he seared my soul so deeply. I was with child, humiliated.  I stayed silent for fear of what my husband might do to him and I wasn't willing to lose him.

Shortly after, I begged my husband to allow me to move with him.  He asked if I was sure because I had always wanted to have the baby with our family.  I told him I missed him.  We had to pay out of pocket for it because he was still and training and the move wasn't covered.  So with nothing but my twin mattress, clothes, and a few knick knacks that my parents gave us, we moved 7 hours away from family.

Once I moved, I shifted my focus to my baby.  He was what kept me going.  Then in another turn of events, he was born with a severe congenital heart defect.  Doctor told me, "If you have any family that wants to meet your son, please tell them to come down because your son might not make it past the first few days of his life."  No one knew how crushing that moment was for me.  Not only for the fear that I might lose my child, but for the guilt I had in my heart.  That somehow all the ugly things my grandfather said to me while he was justifying his abuse was right.  I WAS SO BROKEN and ALONE. I blamed myself for messing up my son's life, a guilt that hasn't really completely left my heart.

My son was about a week old, my mom was staying with us and helping us.  I wouldn't sleep, I would spend hours holding my baby, then when family would take him so I could rest, I would just watch him.  I was physically and mentally exhausted.  I remember having a break down and my mom holding me.  She didn't know the depth of my pain, though in hindsight maybe she did.  I was crying in the bathroom, saying I couldn't do this.  I was so afraid.  I was drowning.  But she held me close, rocked me and told me, "There is nothing you can't do for your children.  You are a mother now and he needs your strength."  That was one of the last times I let myself feel.  My focus was on my son and making sure that I  made the most of the time I had with him.

When my daughter was born, I was nervous.  I was going to raise a girl.  I wanted to keep her in a bubble.  I wanted to hold her tight and keep her close.  But as life would have it, she taught me to let go, that it was okay to explore the world and it was okay to love all.  She possesses this charm but strength, something she's always had.  I'm not going to lie.  It still isn't easy being a mom of two girls. But that is another post for another time...seems as though I opened a flood gate with this post.

What happens with silence

For years I told no one about what my grandfather was doing to me.  I can't even tell you when I finally opened up to my sister, who was two and a half years younger than I was. I just know that when I did it devastated me because that was when I learned that I had somehow let her down, I had allowed her to be abused too.  That's what silence does, you see, it enables abusers to continue what they are doing.  But silence wouldn't be an issue if so many things in are lives tell us to be silent.

What do I mean?

Take my family's background for instance.  At a young age we are taught to respect our elders no matter what.  While I like children exhibiting respect to their elders, I think it is important that children be taught to vocalize when an elder is doing wrong.  Sounds like an oxymoron, I know.  One of the things I changed when I had my own children is giving them a voice.  Now it has caused some discourse in my family, but there is a reason why I did this.  I grew up thinking that I could not voice when someone was wrong because I would not be believed or it would not matter what I said.  My grandfather banked on that fact that his grandchildren were so obedient and respectful.  I want my children to know the difference.

So if you see my children, you will know they have strong personalities.  My children, the younger ones especially, will call you out (whether you're a child or adult) when you are in the wrong.  The older ones understand that there is a time or a place.  For example, they will pull me aside and tell me something that happened and we discuss it.  My children know that I will listen to them and that they have a voice and it is okay to use it.  I NEVER want them to feel the need to be silent like I did.

Because I was taught to be silent, I allowed my abuser to abuse me for almost a decade and ended in rape.  I am not giving justifications to why it happened.  I just know that the silence enabled him to keep doing what he did to me and my sisters.  Give yourself and your children a voice.  We can only bring about change by speaking out.

Because I finally need a voice...

Many people who know me know that I have not been quite myself the past few years.  The one thing I am good at is hiding and pretending that I am okay.  Life has a funny way of throwing things in front of you so that you are forced to address what ails you, whether it be physical health or mental health.  Some how life finds a way.  It found me.  I can't say I am where I need to be in life, but for the first time in my life, I am going to give a voice to myself and free myself from the secret that I have carried for so many years.  I know some people will judge me for using my voice, but I need to let myself express all that I have bottled up for years.  If I don't, I won't be able to live the life I deserve, but most importantly the life my children deserve and they mean more to me than anything.

When I was around 12 years old, my world as I knew it changed. That was the year my grandfather began molesting me.  It wasn't until I was older that I disclosed this information to my family.  I am filled with guilt, embarrassment, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and hate.  For years I have kept all this bottled up for fear of judgement of not only myself but of my parents, or that what he told me would ring true, that no one would believe me. For years I kept it bottled. In 2015, it came flooding back in a way that forced me to face what I have feared the most.

In 2015, I went in for a routine medical procedure, it went great except I did not have an easy time coming off of the anesthesia.  In fact, in my altered state, I sustained second degree burns from a heating pad that was placed on my abdomen.  While going through the physical pain of the recovery from the injury, I was flooded with memories of my abuse at the hands of my grandfather.  Often times he would come into my room when I was dead tired, sick, or medicated...when I was my most vulnerable.  I became paralyzed with my emotions and I shut down.  I isolated myself partially because I was so overwhelmed with the issues that were coming to surface, embarrassed that I have not fully healed from this horrible ordeal, and feeling numb at the same time.

The overwhelming burden of my experience, as I am learning left a deep scar on my soul, quite similar to the scar that I will forever have on my abdomen.  Just like I will never be rid of my physical scar, I will forever carry the emotional and mental scars that the abuse has left on my soul. But unlike my physical scar, which I tended to and no longer feel pain from, I neglected the scars left on my soul and it is feeling infected.  What can heal these wounds?  I can't tell you for sure, but I can tell you that giving myself a voice has released me a little from the guilt I have carried all these years.  I wish I had given my 12 year old self a voice because by muting her, I subjected her to years of bottled up emotions and feelings that needed an outlet.

After years of being afraid, I am going to take a step forward out of the shadows that I have been trembling in and begin my healing.  I am going to teach myself that it is okay to share my story and hope that someone out there reading feels a little less alone.  I hope my voice gives others the strength to come out and speak.  We cannot make a change in silence.