Many people who know me know that I have not been quite myself the past few years. The one thing I am good at is hiding and pretending that I am okay. Life has a funny way of throwing things in front of you so that you are forced to address what ails you, whether it be physical health or mental health. Some how life finds a way. It found me. I can't say I am where I need to be in life, but for the first time in my life, I am going to give a voice to myself and free myself from the secret that I have carried for so many years. I know some people will judge me for using my voice, but I need to let myself express all that I have bottled up for years. If I don't, I won't be able to live the life I deserve, but most importantly the life my children deserve and they mean more to me than anything.
When I was around 12 years old, my world as I knew it changed. That was the year my grandfather began molesting me. It wasn't until I was older that I disclosed this information to my family. I am filled with guilt, embarrassment, sorrow, anger, disappointment, and hate. For years I have kept all this bottled up for fear of judgement of not only myself but of my parents, or that what he told me would ring true, that no one would believe me. For years I kept it bottled. In 2015, it came flooding back in a way that forced me to face what I have feared the most.
In 2015, I went in for a routine medical procedure, it went great except I did not have an easy time coming off of the anesthesia. In fact, in my altered state, I sustained second degree burns from a heating pad that was placed on my abdomen. While going through the physical pain of the recovery from the injury, I was flooded with memories of my abuse at the hands of my grandfather. Often times he would come into my room when I was dead tired, sick, or medicated...when I was my most vulnerable. I became paralyzed with my emotions and I shut down. I isolated myself partially because I was so overwhelmed with the issues that were coming to surface, embarrassed that I have not fully healed from this horrible ordeal, and feeling numb at the same time.
The overwhelming burden of my experience, as I am learning left a deep scar on my soul, quite similar to the scar that I will forever have on my abdomen. Just like I will never be rid of my physical scar, I will forever carry the emotional and mental scars that the abuse has left on my soul. But unlike my physical scar, which I tended to and no longer feel pain from, I neglected the scars left on my soul and it is feeling infected. What can heal these wounds? I can't tell you for sure, but I can tell you that giving myself a voice has released me a little from the guilt I have carried all these years. I wish I had given my 12 year old self a voice because by muting her, I subjected her to years of bottled up emotions and feelings that needed an outlet.
After years of being afraid, I am going to take a step forward out of the shadows that I have been trembling in and begin my healing. I am going to teach myself that it is okay to share my story and hope that someone out there reading feels a little less alone. I hope my voice gives others the strength to come out and speak. We cannot make a change in silence.
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