Never did I think I would have children, when I was a teen. I knew that I loved children, I babysat, I tutored, and I even helped raised my godson, but I didn't know if I would have any of my own for fear that I wouldn't be able to be the mother they needed.
All that changed when I met my partner for life. He was one of the first people I shared my abuse with. He was the one who listened, showed no judgement, encouraged me, held my hand, let me cry, and promised me that it would all be okay. I felt safe with him then and even more now. He is my rock, my beacon of hope, the person who keeps me grounded.
Finding him saved me, literally and figuratively. He came into my life when things were bleak, when suicide attempts were my poor attempt to drown out the misery that was in my heart. Him and our best friend at the time, went with my mom to the ER so that they could flush the medication out of my system. By the way, that coal concoction they give you, sucks. He has seen me at my lowest but not once did he ever think to leave me, he stayed always and held me.
That love and friendship has sustained me. It has brought me four beautiful children who I love more than anything in the world. They are my greatest blessings and my most valued treasures. I would move heaven and earth to protect them, to make sure they never see the darkness I have seen.
When I was pregnant with my first, I was so nervous and excited. I was 20 at the time. I thought I had my whole life figured out. I was going to have the baby, then go back and finish school. Early in my pregnancy I got really sick. I was at home and my husband was in training at the time. I knew my grandfather was at home, so I was good about locking my door. But I was extremely sick and it was really late at night. I don't know where my family was at the time, to be honest, they could have been home, but I can't recall. That night in my fatigue he violated me. In that single moment, he seared my soul so deeply. I was with child, humiliated. I stayed silent for fear of what my husband might do to him and I wasn't willing to lose him.
Shortly after, I begged my husband to allow me to move with him. He asked if I was sure because I had always wanted to have the baby with our family. I told him I missed him. We had to pay out of pocket for it because he was still and training and the move wasn't covered. So with nothing but my twin mattress, clothes, and a few knick knacks that my parents gave us, we moved 7 hours away from family.
Once I moved, I shifted my focus to my baby. He was what kept me going. Then in another turn of events, he was born with a severe congenital heart defect. Doctor told me, "If you have any family that wants to meet your son, please tell them to come down because your son might not make it past the first few days of his life." No one knew how crushing that moment was for me. Not only for the fear that I might lose my child, but for the guilt I had in my heart. That somehow all the ugly things my grandfather said to me while he was justifying his abuse was right. I WAS SO BROKEN and ALONE. I blamed myself for messing up my son's life, a guilt that hasn't really completely left my heart.
My son was about a week old, my mom was staying with us and helping us. I wouldn't sleep, I would spend hours holding my baby, then when family would take him so I could rest, I would just watch him. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I remember having a break down and my mom holding me. She didn't know the depth of my pain, though in hindsight maybe she did. I was crying in the bathroom, saying I couldn't do this. I was so afraid. I was drowning. But she held me close, rocked me and told me, "There is nothing you can't do for your children. You are a mother now and he needs your strength." That was one of the last times I let myself feel. My focus was on my son and making sure that I made the most of the time I had with him.
When my daughter was born, I was nervous. I was going to raise a girl. I wanted to keep her in a bubble. I wanted to hold her tight and keep her close. But as life would have it, she taught me to let go, that it was okay to explore the world and it was okay to love all. She possesses this charm but strength, something she's always had. I'm not going to lie. It still isn't easy being a mom of two girls. But that is another post for another time...seems as though I opened a flood gate with this post.
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